if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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