Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
