he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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