can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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