I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My cat gives me a boner
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
