She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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