in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
