Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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