i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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