Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
