Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
