I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
