god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
