The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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