Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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