he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
