420 ftw
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
