im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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