you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize