Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
