i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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