I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
