YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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