I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
