the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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