Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
