Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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