i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
