she woke up with a sticky ear
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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