Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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