Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
