I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
