it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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