I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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