i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Houston, we have a blender
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
