youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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