The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
