I think I died a long time ago.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize