I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
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