she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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