Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize