Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
