Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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