The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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