I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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