i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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