he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize