Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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