WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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