you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
