you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
