wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
