end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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