I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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