There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
