I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
