I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
