p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
