You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
