Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
