It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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