i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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