I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize