it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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