that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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