I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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