Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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