Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
