do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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