sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
