Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
