Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
