They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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