This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
