Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
